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I feel like killing myself (literaly). I'm feeling so damn tired and stress right now. I'm really feeling very tired and i feel like escaping to some places that only have cool wind, zero stress, bed and food (preferable buffet with cheese cake and peppermint ice-cream). I'm glad that all the subjects have 2 to 3 days break and that will somehow give me some time to study for the subsequence subject as i only manage to study LLT during my study week. I can imagine that after 2 weeks of stressful exam, it will be time for me to prepare my FYP proposal with a lot of reading and brainstorming. I think that i have a good scope of study but the literature review might not be enough, that's the time where i need to bury my eyes into books and books and books non-stop. One thing for sure that this is time where i seriuously focus on my studies and be stress throughout the whole year until i completed my FYP and graduate by passing it. From now on, i'll be in a caution and stressful state where intrinsic,extrinsic,intrgrative and instrumental motivation(sorry for being to obessed with the theories)must be here to motivate me no matter in what fucking situation.

*p/s Is anyone using celcom broadband? Is it good? How's the coverage and speed? pls leave me some comment about it...planned to change to celcom coz i won't have internet acess at my house if i don't do so....

Declaration

To my friends:
This letter is dedicated to my friends that knew what is happening between me and the other one. The battle between us has ended as i found out something that i shouldn't know. I saw what is really happening and i decided to give up and carry on with my own life. The current status between us will just be like the status that i have with you (the person reading this post). We may seem to be close in future but do remember that my feelings have ended with the declaration and posting of this post. You do not need to comfort me but you should congratulate for making such a wise decision.


* that relationship is not everything to me. but instead it's just a supplement of my life


From:
Elizabeth Tan
14-04-09
1625

i'm just a shit that deserve my place in the toilet bowl

Yesterday was just not my day as i did badly for my language teaching presentation and sociolinguistic presentation. After my language teaching presentation, i kept on asking myself maybe teaching is just not my cup of tea. I'm very enthusiastic in involving myself in education line and treat it as my lifetime career but after yesterday i suddenly thought that maybe i'm just a piece of useless shit that won't be able to do well in anything. Maybe i'm just destined to be a rubbish collector which nobody will want to do in today's world. i'm just a piece of shit that also make others feel dissapointed. I really feel very depressed yesterday and actually my tears were in my eye just that i don allow it to fall.undeniable, i'm really an useless shit that just wasting food and money.i'm useless.i can't do anything.
when i thought that the situation will be better for socio presentation, who knows actually it was the worst. I totally collapsed without any doubt. Again, my tears appear in my eyes again but it was in the middle of the presentation, i can't let my tears drop down from my eyes.Luckily, my tears listened to my desire and didn't fall down from my eyes. During these 2 years, yesterday was the 1st time i had such feeling .I hope that that will be the first and the last time this kind of feeling will never appear again.

My Rights

What are the rights that i can and wanted to claim? Below are the rights that i wanted to claim from you, you and you:

1. the right to miss my home sweet home
-do not describe me as homesick when i wanted to go back or when i sounded like i miss my
family

2. the right of being a christian
- i don't feel embarressed by being a Christian and please do not insult my religion by making
fun of it and saying things that do not have any evidence

3.the right to say 'i love you'
-i've learned to appreciate what i have and i'll choose to express my feeling so that you'll know
what i'm thinking

4.the right to have strong interpersonal skill
- i have the right to have my own self-esteem and realize what kind of person i am, please do
not laugh and tease me when i understand what i want

5.the right to choose a companion
-i'm not hot and sexy but i do have the right to choose who i want to be with so stop gossiping
behind me, if he rejects at least i tried and i knew

6.the right of being protected
- you don have the right to threat me and hurt my little soul

7.the right of being someone who is successful in life
-please do not compare me with others as everyone is special and i believe that with your
encouragement i can be someone in life

8.the right to have a clean environment
-these are all done by human, polluting, burning rubbish, causing the global warming and so on
My right has stated clearly that i demand a clean and safe environment and also away from
the society's rubbish.

9.the right to consume safe and healthy food

我 失 败 了 吗？

I keep on asking myself, have i failed as a student? have try my best to accomplish the duties that were given to me? is it a hint that show that i should quit now?have i failed my mum expectations towards me?

i'll try...i'll try to do my best....i'll try to achieve my own goal....i'll try to do everything as perfect as possible.....i'll try.....no....i must.....i must do it.......damn eli..........how can you be like this?..........wake up eli.....wake up.....you're surrounded by enemies......eli......pick up your gun and shoot your enemies till death.......ELIZABETH TAN....WAKE UP....OR YOU WILL BE SHOT BY YOUR ENEMIES.........

Am i a coward?

My friends keep asking me why do i go back so often?I asked myself so i need a reason to go back to my own home? Does it mean that if i go back on regularly basis i'm a 'coward'?someone that is not independent ? Do i really need to be homesick just to go back to my own home?I believe that i do not need any reason to go back to the place that i belong to. I don't have to be homesick to go back and have a nice weekend with my family.NO...I need NO reason to go back....I need NO comments from you....I just want to spend more time with my family....I just want to tell them that i love them......I just need them to know that you can't use money to value the love that i've been giving you.....I love you....MUM....





p/s: to my beloved mum
I know that why you keep asking me that why i'm so free when your colleague's kids are busy with their assignments and 'rarely' have the time to go back to their hometown. I have my own things to take care of here but i know how to manage my time between school and family.I don't want any gap in our relationship and i'm trying to maintain and improve our relatioship.I just love you with all my heart and i just want to spend more time with you and listening to you talking about your work and problems.I just want to share with you the experience that i had here because I LOVE YOU and i hope that you will understand and don't always ask me for the reasons of returning.I might not be able to think of any in the future.

The Perak Politic Agenda (as reported on TV)

a.The frog Jumping agenda
BN jump to PR then jump back to BN
2 PR reps jump to BN

b.BN announced that they are eligible to form a state government by the majority seats owned
BN(28) + support BN (3) VS. PR 28

c.New MB swore in

d.2 MBs occur

e.arguing about the rights of who can form state government

f.street demonstration

g.Bukit 武吉干當 area 國會議員 passed away,predicted that a by-election will be held

to be continued........may GOD bless Perak

美好的时光

美好的时光往往都是过得特别快，我刚回来不到两个小时但是我已经感觉到冷酷的感觉。在家的感觉实在太棒了，当你伤心时，有人安慰你，当你开心时，有人陪你一起笑。无时无刻都有人陪在你左右，太好了。家实在是太温暖了，家实在是太好了，家实在是不能用词语来解释的东西。无论如何，我会坚持到最后一刻。因为我只需要留在这无情的地方大约还有一年，过后我便可天天逗留在我温暖的家，天天看着我最亲爱的家人，疼爱他们，爱护他们。我可爱的家，我永远的避难所，等我吧！

新年的前夕与家

我发觉了一样东西，那就是等待新年的感觉好痛苦。为什么？我也不懂，或许因为我是一个很重视家庭观念的人，又或许我是一个贪玩的人。我老是觉得新年前或后没有家人在身边的感觉是最孤独的，至少家是永远最温暖和安全的避风港。或许你会笑我是个黏家的小孩，请笑吧！因为我的家虽然没有最华丽的装设、也没有随时候命的佣人、也没有雄伟的建筑，但是我并不介意因为当我在家时，所有的烦恼，所有的不满，所有的怨恨，所有的悲伤，所有的一切，都会离我远去。因为我的家是充满爱、关怀、欢乐、安慰的避风港。无论发生什么事情，我会永永远远支持他、守护他、珍惜他、爱戴他不让他受任何的伤害。如有一天我忘了我所说过的话，请提醒我他曾经是我最宝贵的避风港。

i'm filled with problems

珍惜

人是一种很奇妙的动物
他是最聪明的
但他也是最愚蠢的
因为他需要等到失去后才懂得珍惜
失去了才觉得可惜
失去了才懂得珍贵
失去了才懂得怀念
失去了才懂得挽回
有时一切的挽回都太迟了
我失去过但现更懂得珍惜
珍惜上帝所赐给我的一切一切
我曾经失去过所以更加懂得珍惜
因为我不想再等到失去了才后悔
后悔当初没好好珍惜
后悔当初辜负了你
幸好这一切一切还来得及
我会永远把你放在我之前上帝之后
这将是我对你一生的承诺

An unknown Challenge

I'm facing unknown challenge now. The chanllenge is i'm still having sore throat for more than 2 weeks,according to what the doctor said if i still have sore thraot after finishing my antibiotik on Monday then i'll have to be refer to a Specialist(which i don want to).At this period of time,i only can rest more,drink more water and pray more and hope that i'll totally cure by this Sunday.

A little request: My fellow friends, can you please include me in your prayer and help me to ask GOD to cure me

I hate my current lifestyle and KL

I feel so helpless here. I feel lonely here.I don't know who to trust and who to avoid. Sometimes when things happened especially when i need someone to talk to, no one is there.No one is willing to listen to my complains.No one would listen to my sad story .No one really knows how i feel.Life seems to be meaningless here.However, I keep telling myself that i must be patience.I only have to go through this kind of life for about 1 and half year.After that i'll be out of here (KL),i'll go back to where i belong.I'll go back to my old life where there are hope and love.I don't care how glamour you are with your job and pay.I don't care how civilize you are by living in the city. I don care how wealthy you are.I'm sure that the love that is given to me will worth much more that you have.

ME

it's easy to get a friend
it's easy to get a listener
it's easy to talk to someone
but
it's difficult to tell someone your true thought
it's diffidult to tell someone your true feeling
it's difficult to find a real friend that you don have to care of anything else
when you are talking to them
it's difficult to disclose yourself
it's difficult
it's really difficult and complicated

who can i talk to?
who will listen to me?
who will not judge me based on what i said?
who will just lend me her/his ear and listen to me quitely?
i'm setting up a wall for myself
i'm closing the friend's border
i'm searching for someone that i won't be afraid of
i'm looking for the one that i'm familiar of

where are you?
where are you,my friend?
where are you,the naive me?
where are you the true me?
where are you the happy me?
where are you the talkative me?

Please come back
Please come back to me
Please come back to me and make me happy
Please make me happy like i used to be

i will worship you all of my life and i will serve you forever

i just saw my last semester result and out of my expectation i scored pretty good....and i know i can't do it without HIS help......HE is the LORD..the only true lord......i will worship HIM and HIS name be remember till eternity.....


this can be consider as a good news for me after being depresse for so many weeks.After all those bad news that i heard along this sem break,the news of baby dying because of contaminated milk,sick infant that have to be warded as a result of the tainted milk and the world economy and the reality that i have to go back to kl again.I know that i maybe unhappy after going back to kl but i believe that GOD will continue to look after me and give me strength and i know that GOD will give me a chance to serve HIM and HE will make sure that devil will stay away from me and HE will send his angels to care for me and share my life together.

i curse you melamine.....

Melamine, o melamine
you were the main dish for children
as you are the main chemical that formed most of the dairy products in the market
but you were wrongly used by those stupid human
those stupid human that was covered by money
stink and evil money that had taken away the wonderful future of the infants
stupid and stink money that causes everyone has to be aware of what they are consuming
headless china guy,
you know that you can only have one child
but now you are destroying their future by letting them to drink milk
headless china ppl
you'd ruined the life of your own future
you'd contaminated your food with malamine
you'd even destroy your own image
you'd put poison into your own country economy
you'd make everyone suffer because of your own good
i curse you curse your future and your name shall be curse forever by other

P/s:victims of melamine should stand up together and UN should take action against them for the good of the ppl that still need the nutrient from dairy products.....

helo...good morning

it's 4:58am now and i'm awake.i don know why i'm awake i need someone to tell me the reason.is it because i'm too happy because i'm going back today?is it because i'm too stress because i'm having the last paper today?is it because i'd enough sleep?is it because the light is still on and that the reason that i woke up.i just couldn't find out the reason but i think that i still need to sleep.actually i didn't sleep well although slept.i hope that i won't fall asleep during exam time,at laest laet me finish my paper before i sleep.
well,happy holiday guys!enjoy your holiday and remember to come back during next semester.

the dream that have to wait to become true

i was sleeping few minutes ago and had a dream.i don't know i should consider the dream as a nice dream or a nightmare,but i think it's a nice and beautiful dream.i dream that i was at my lovely home drinking the chicken soup cooked by my mother and my sister was telling me that she's glad i'm home and she misses me very very much.I woke up and found out that it's just a dream.i'm still in pj where food are super duper digusting and i have no one beside and arround me.it's just a dream that is waitng for realization.i immediately call my mum and told her the dream( i always look for my mum when i have dream no matter it's a nice dream or nightmare)
chicken soup and my sister wait for me, i'm going back this thursday.

i'll stop writing here,have to go and get some food and have to start studying as soon as i finish my dinner.gotta go....bye bye.....may god bless all the blog readers and my 'enemy'(the one that seems to be so near to me but annoying)

灭亡？从头开始？

我彻底的失望了，为什么人类还不醒觉这世界就要消失了吗？祖先留下来的文化也会随着消失也代表着人类也会消失了。你难道忍心看着你的孩子也跟着消失吗？你有什么权力夺走他们的未来？我的心开始冷了，也开始发现原来单靠我一个人的力量并不能改变世界。我希望伟大的造物者，伟大的真神恳求您别收回这个世界，恳求您为了千千万万个刚出生天真无邪的孩子们，请再给我们一次机会。我们答应您我们会做得更好，哪怕这世界上只剩下一个好人，也恳求阿爸天父祝福他的后代赐给他后代的愿与当年赐给大卫王的如此丰盛。恳求您继续的赐福于这片土地因为并非所有的良心都被金钱覆盖。恳求阿爸天父聆听我们的祷告，赦免我们因无知而反下的过错。阿门。

I have a feeling that the world is dying and men will dissapeared from this earth just like how dinosours dissapreared from this land.They dissapeared because they do not have enough food but men will dissapeared because the pollution that they made.The ice is melting,the temperature is rising,the heart is covering by black spirit,the love is replacing by material.My alone i can't do anything,i need your help.Tell your friends about the problems that we are facing,tell them to stop polluting,tell them to stop smoking,tell them to tell their friends what they heard from you."perpaduan teras kejayaan".Don make us dissapear from this beautiful land,think about your family that love you,think about your future children,think about the places that you haven't visit before,think of your own life do you wan to become breathless and be like those ppl in the movie 'wall.e'?Or do you want the earth to be like the earth in the movie 'ice age'?think of the moral lesson that you can get from this type of movie.think of future,think of your family,think of yourself.pls leave a comment to show that you also love the earth and you care for 'him'.

'those for tears'

i found a very nice book in pc library and found that actually it helps me a lot at this moment.before this i used to ask myself did LORD abandoned me,did HE forget about me,is he going to just leave me here and etc.after reading the book and relate it to my dailr life i'm sure to say that the GOD is still with me and HE is listening to my prayers.i know that HE is there when i'm weak and HE's there when i'm sad and i know HE's there when i needed help from HIM.i do believe that GOD will make a way when it seems to be no way.the book also teaches me that keep praying and HE is the GOD that listen and will fulfill our wishes in HIS very own way.just like today,HE let me found that book when i was feeling miserable.i was touched by the words inside that book as those words are the answer to the question that i have in my head.all my questions are answered and i learned sth precious today.GOD really watched us everyday every moment and HE had never change his love from the past till the future.just like what the book said 'GOD does care about me,when i was walking the rain stop and when i was in the car the rain just fall immediately from the sky' 'i can feel that JESUS is beteween us as HE keep me away from communist,japanese and the hard times'.all this happened to me,rain stopped when i'm in a hurry,the robbers just let mego without hurting me and didn take away my valuable property,GOD take care of me and give me a safe journey when i'm going back to ipoh,GOD heal me when i'm sick,GOD listens when i'm in deep sadness and GOD lets HIS words to touched my heart and let me understand the guilt that i did .i won't be ashamed to admit that HE is the GOD,the real GOD,the eternity GOD,the creater,HE is everything and HE is my everythign.Fellow friends keep on praying as HE is real and HE live among us and listen to our prayer.Mighty LORD you have proven that YOU are the only GOD,KING of kings and LORD of lords and i shall strengthen my heart and follow YOU.Father LORD plz listento my prayer and give me the chance to see more than i should see let me see the wonders things under your creation and father lord plz giveme a chance to be a better person.father lord plz keep me away from the devil and may that peace will be with me.